Gold Medals Don’t Mean Squat Without Total Loyalty

Published on: Sun, 08 Feb 2026 22:24:00 GMT
Original Story: President Trump calls Olympian Hunter Hess ‘a real loser’ over comments on representing U.S. – The New York Times

Medals Are For Suckers; Loyalty Is Forever

Welcome back to the latest episode of “Who Is A Real American?” hosted by the man who considers physical exercise a tragic waste of a human’s finite battery life. Today’s contestant is Hunter Hess, a freestyle skier who just learned the hard way that winning an Olympic bronze medal is statistically less important than passing a vibe check conducted by a guy who thinks wind turbines cause “brain steam.” Apparently, Hess expressed some nuanced feelings about the complexities of representing the U.S. on the world stage, and in the year of our lord 2024, “nuance” is a fireable offense in the court of public opinion.

In a move that surprised absolutely no one who has been conscious for the last decade, Trump took to his digital megaphone to label Hess a “real loser.” Let that sink in for a second. You can hurl yourself off a mountain, perform three-and-a-half rotations in the air, and land on a sheet of ice with the grace of a gazelle, but if you don’t perform the requisite amount of performative patriotism, you’re basically the guy who forgot to hit “reply all” on the company-wide layoff memo. It’s the ultimate Performance Improvement Plan, except the PIP is for your entire citizenship status.

This is the core of The Loyalty Test, our favorite new national pastime. It doesn’t matter if you’re actually the best in the world at what you do. You could be a neurosurgeon, a rocket scientist, or a guy who does triple-corks on skis—if you aren’t ready to pledge fealty like a medieval serf during a mandatory mid-level management retreat, you’re out. It’s remarkably similar to my last corporate gig, where “culture fit” was just code for “willing to pretend the CEO’s LinkedIn posts are profound.” Hess thought his job was skiing. Poor guy. He didn’t realize his real job was being a prop in a never-ending political rally.

We’ve reached the point where the Olympics are no longer about sports; they’re about whether or not you’re a “winner” in the eyes of a man whose primary athletic achievement is driving a golf cart onto the green. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? I’m sitting here, staring at my third cup of lukewarm coffee, wondering when “The Loyalty Test” will start applying to my grocery store loyalty card. “Oh, you bought the generic brand? That’s not very patriotic of you, Kevin. Real Americans buy the name brand and then tweet about it in all caps.”

So, congrats to Hunter Hess. You’ve achieved the dream: you’re a world-class athlete and a “real loser” all at once. It’s a level of multitasking that even a Senior Project Manager with a caffeine addiction would envy. Just remember, kids: it doesn’t matter how high you fly if you don’t land in the correct political lane. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some spreadsheets to ignore while I wait for the next loyalty purge. Synergy!

Related Coverage:

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• Bad Bunny makes history as Trump criticises ‘terrible’ Super Bowl show (via BBC)
• MSC braces for more of Trump’s ‘wrecking-ball politics’ (via dw.com)