Clean Coal: Because Reality Is Just Too Exhausting

Published on: Thu, 12 Feb 2026 15:10:54 GMT
Original Story: Kelly joins President Trump at White House to tout clean American coal – Congressman Mike Kelly | (.gov)

The 19th Century Called, They Want Their Rocks Back

Remember when we were kids and we thought the future would be all “The Jetsons” and flying cars? Well, jokes on us. While we were busy burning out in open-plan offices and trying to figure out how to pivot to AI, Rep. Mike Kelly and President Trump decided to take a field trip back to the 1800s. They met at the White House to “tout” clean American coal, which is a bit like touting “diet arsenic” or “healthy cigarettes.” It’s a branding exercise that makes my last corporate “re-org” look like a stroke of genius.

Synergy, Innovation, and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

As an Elder Millennial who has spent fifteen years sitting through Q3 performance reviews where “synergy” was the word of the day, I have to give it to them: “clean coal” is the ultimate corporate-speak. It’s a linguistic miracle. It’s the kind of phrase a marketing consultant comes up with when they’ve had four espressos and a complete break from reality. Calling coal “clean” is like calling my unread inbox “organized”—it only works if you ignore the 4,000 items screaming for attention and the faint smell of something dying inside.

Congressman Kelly is out there playing the role of the loyal regional manager who’s just happy to be invited to the corporate headquarters. He’s “touting.” That’s a word that only exists in press releases and when your weird uncle tries to sell you on a multi-level marketing scheme for essential oils. They’re standing there, acting like they’ve discovered a revolutionary new tech disruptor, when in reality, they’re just holding a rock that’s been obsolete since the invention of the lightbulb.

The Ultimate Reboot Nobody Asked For

There’s something deeply exhausting about this whole situation. We were promised wind turbines, solar panels, and maybe a 4-day work week. Instead, we’re getting a reboot of the Industrial Revolution. It’s like being promised a MacBook Pro and getting a typewriter that spits soot in your face. But hey, in the corporate world, when a product is failing and the stakeholders are restless, you don’t innovate—you just slap a shiny new adjective on the packaging and hope nobody notices the cough.

At this point, my burnout has reached a level where I can’t even be mad; I’m just impressed by the audacity. It’s 2024, and we’re still treating carbon-heavy rocks like they’re the next big Silicon Valley unicorn. I’m going to go stare at a spreadsheet for another eight hours and pretend this makes sense. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the breakroom trying to figure out if “clean coal” can power my vintage GameBoy, since that’s apparently the era we’re moving back into.

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