Toddlers Should Just Get Full-Time Jobs Anyway

Published on: Sun, 08 Feb 2026 20:08:55 GMT
Original Story: Here and Now with Sandra Bookman: Impact of President Trump administration’s federal funding cuts to NY child care – ABC7 New York

The Great Diaper Restructuring of 2025

Oh, look. Another “optimization” strategy from the top floor. As an Elder Millennial who has spent the last decade watching my soul slowly be replaced by a series of increasingly urgent Slack notifications and “urgent” Zoom calls that could have been an email, I recognize a corporate downsize when I see one. This time, the “redundant department” being liquidated isn’t the mid-level marketing team in Des Moines—it’s the New York child care system. Finally, someone had the courage to tell these three-year-olds to stop being such a drain on the bottom line.

According to the latest reports from ABC7, the incoming administration is looking to “dismantle the bureaucracy” by taking a chainsaw to federal child care funding. It’s a classic move. It’s the governmental equivalent of taking away the free coffee in the breakroom and then wondering why productivity has cratered and everyone looks like they’re one “per my last email” away from a breakdown. New York parents, who are already paying the equivalent of a monthly Ferrari lease just to have someone watch their toddler for eight hours, are about to find out what “extreme efficiency” really looks like.

The logic here is flawless, provided you’ve spent your entire life in a soundproof boardroom where “family values” is just something you print on a brochure next to a stock photo of a golden retriever. By cutting this funding, we aren’t just saving money; we’re teaching these infants about the “gig economy.” Why should a child sit around playing with blocks when they could be interned at a fulfillment center? It’s called “early career integration,” people. Get with the program. If we’re dismantling the bureaucracy, we might as well start with the most inefficient demographic of all: people who can’t even tie their own shoes yet.

I remember when we were told “work-life balance” was a real thing and not just a cruel joke played on us by HR. Now, the “balance” is shifting toward “no life” and “good luck with the kid.” It’s the ultimate disruption. We’re pivoting. We’re streamlining. We’re making sure that the only people who can afford child care are the people who are currently writing the policy to cut it. It’s a closed-loop system, really. Pure synergy.

So, to all the New York parents currently staring at their bank accounts and wondering if they can train their cat to babysit: don’t worry. This is just “market correction.” And to the toddlers: I hope you’ve been working on your resumes. I hear there’s an opening in data entry, and the pay is three juice boxes a week. No benefits, obviously. We’re lean now.

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